About Christmas Day 2008

A big thank you to the many who helped make our 2008 Edition of December 25th Community Service Day such a success.

From Bonnie Singer of the Prospect Heights Care Center who is such a positive person and partner in this effort. She helped set-up and manage all aspects of the afternoon at our host venue (And thanks to Bonnie's staff for a job well done as well).

To Alice Blass and Joy Kurland who sent out the emails from UJA-Federation of Northern New Jersey which brought out so many volunteers. A special thanks to Temple Sholom of River Edge for publicizing the event. Many of the volunteers came from Temple Sholom.

We also welcome our first time volunteers who heard about the day through the Bahai community.Thanks to The Record and NY1 News for covering us.

But most of all and special thanks to the volunteers and the residents at Prospect Heights for making the day work.Our volunteers varied in age, background and skill. They all possessed a willingenss to be of help and connect whereever and however possible. From Ivan's piano playing to the dog therapy. From blackjack to hand message, it was a lot of fun. Thanks to all for volunteering.

And to you residents of Prospect Heights, you were an inspiration to us all. We were happy to share of ourselves with you. But you more than willing partners in this endeavor. Your spirit inspired us as well. We wish you well.

For more on the day, see:

* From The Bergen Record:"Giving a precious gift: time"-- http://www.northjersey.com/news/northernnj/volunteers122608.html

From NY1 News: "Volunteers Make Season Bright"- http://www.ny1.com//Default.aspx?ArID=91324

Rabbis, educators seek solutions to rising day-school costs (Jewish Standard)

From The Jewish Standard:

“In the long run we have to get away from the model of parents paying the full cost of tuition,” he said. “The American system has it right. Everybody pays property taxes. You pay the same taxes whether you have kids in the school or not.”

http://www.jstandard.com/index.php/content/item/rabbis_educators_seek_solutions_to_rising_day_school_costs/6147

"Family-Friendly" Passover - What Do You Do ?

So sorry. It has been very hectic from where we sit. Thinsg large and small. But suddenly we find Passover again looming. That means we are excited and filled with dread simultaneously.

Excited: It's a Spring. Passover is such an imprtant rite of Spring - loaded with hope and memory. We sit not only with our present family in solidarity with those who left Egypt. We also find ourselves thinking of loved ones once next to us at a Seder table who are no longer here. Yes, it leaves us a bit sentimental and longing for them. But we are excited about the chance to share and pass on these traditions and rites to a new generation.

The dread: Ther is so much to do and so little time, and seemingly so little help. And once we get around to doing it all, will we do it "right" ?

Anyway, all of this leaves me reaching back to a past entry:

We posed this question last year (and the year before). Not getting any responses that leaves us free to try again this year:Is there anything you do to make the Seder or the Holiday "Family Friendly" ?

We would like to know; we are opening the subject up for discussion.Do you tell stories, play games, serve special foods ? Are there any family traditions ? Is your seder a regular seder,"full length" or abridged version ? Does it work best for adults, kids,everyone or no one ?

We hope you can take the time to share your thoughts and experiences with the rest of us. As I parent, I am always looking for some insight to help me do things better.

In advance, thanks for any suggestions you might provide.Hoping all our seders are insightful, entertaining and meaningful, a Happy Passover to all.

Reflections of the Season

A new school year ? Where did the Summer go ?

With September upon us, it must mean that the High Holy Days are just around the corner.

Another year has come and gone.

Now like some bird that is programmed to start a long migratory journey, it seesm I too have been programmed to "kick it up a notch" when the holidays arrive.

You know, the soul searching, reflection, seeking forgiveness, a fresh start.
It speaks to me in ways that I am aware of and can verbalize, and then again in other ways that can't be put into words.

How is this time of year for you ? How is it for your family ?

Do you get into the spirit of the season or is it too much- all the preparations, the cooking, the cards, getting everyone prepared for services, keeping everyone well behaved at services, etc. ?

Do you have any tricks that help you make the best of the High Holy Days ? Is it a family time ? Do you manage to find time for yourself to reflect and soul-search ? Has the whole process of the Days of Awe changed with parenthood ?

These are but some questions on our mind as we approach this High Holy Day season.

Of course, then there are the "big" questions and thoughts. Will this be a year of health and safety for our family, loved ones and friends ? Will wisdom (all too elusive until now) be found among American voters, media and leaders ? What will the new year bring to Israel ? And please don't forget to say a prayer and do more, if you can, for those less fortunate than us.

In the midst of all these questions and reflections, we wish you and your families a most happy and healthy new year.

Shana Tova !

Why Be Jewish ? - One View

Hello again to all.Hope your Summer is going well. For a long time I have thought that it is important for us to consider not only How to Be Jewish, but also "Why Be Jewish ?".

No, I am not contemplating conversion. But I do think it is important that we keepchallenging and rechallenging ourselves concerning the basic assumptions we makeabout what we do and why we do it.

There is so much depth and substance to our faith,our culture and our traditions. By asking and re-asking "why Be Jewish"it helps me avoid taking it for granted and falling into an "automatic pilot"mode.

With this in mind, I send along this piece that recently appeared in the New Jersey Jewish News.

What do you think ? Does this work for you and your family ? Would you add anything?Food for thought as we head into the home stretch for this Summer and towards the"Days of Awe".

Regards to you and your family.

How Does Your Family Spend It's Summer Vacation (Jewishly)

Not too long ago we posed the following question about Shabbat and Jewish observance during the Summer months:


"....Is it major for you ? For that matter, is it different being Jewish during the Summer ? Do you observe Shabbat any differently ? Is being Jewish different for you during the Summer ? More meaningful ? Or in some small way do you start to "take the Summer off" and pick up again in the Fall ?Tell us what you do - what works for you and your family ? What would you like to work for you and your family ?..."

We recently received this thoughtful response, and want to share it with you. We hope it might trigger a larger discsussion on the issue. If not, maybe it will get you to thinking about what you do and whether it's the way you want it to be:


Eric- I am going to attempt to answer the question you set forth last month as to Jewish observance in the summer, and whether it is any different than the rest of the year.

I've given this question a lot of thought, and reluctantly, I've come to the conclusion that yes, our family's Jewish observance is different in the summer, certainly from a Shabbat observance point of view.

During the school year, Shabbat is a welcome opportunity to have Friday night Shabbat dinner, with candles illuminating a special wintery meal, early on a dark Friday evening. It gives families a chance to catch up after a hectic week. This is usually followed by a relatively early bedtime for all.

Saturday mornings are reserved for schul, with the myriad opportunities of babysitting, Junior Congregation, etc. for the younger family members. Saturday afternoons are rest time, play time, and Shabbat is over.

Summer seems to be exactly the opposite. With most synagogues halting their children's programming for the summer (i.e. B'nei Mitzvah celebrations, babysitting services, Junior Congregation, etc.) with the thought that children are away at summer camp and families are on vacation, the service tends to be more intimate, and also more difficult to bring a family with children along. With so many things to do late on a Friday afternoon in the summer, it begins to be difficult to bring the family in from the pool, beach, etc. for a nice Shabbat dinner when it is still bright out. We have had Friday evening barbecues for Shabbat, and although it's fun, it doesn't have that traditional feel to it.

Then the question becomes, should I bring in Shabbat early, or not?

I have an Orthodox acquaintance who feeds her child an early dinner, but doesn't bring in Shabbat until the official time. This wouldn't work for me either, because by then my children would probably be sleeping, and they would miss the part of Shabbat they love (i.e. the candles, grape juice, challah, and accompanying songs).

I was once vacationing in Alaska during the midnight sun of July, and found myself having a similar conversation with the Chabad rabbi in Anchorage. Since it never gets truly dark at night during the brief summer, the community brings in Shabbat together on Friday evening, and Shabbat lasts through Saturday night, basically until one wakes up on Sunday morning! I have also grappled with how to observe Saturday without the routine of going to synagogue? It becomes a very long day, and while it gives the family a fun day to play in the sun, I don't come away with the Shabbat flavor that I do during the winter, for example. I think the light of Shabbat in the darkness of winter leaves me feeling much more spiritual than the effect of the light of Shabbat in the sunshine.Then there is the lack of Jewish holidays in the summer, with the exception of Tisha B'Av, of course, which is hardly a fun, family-friendly holiday.

What's the solution? Perhaps a summer Shabbat havurah would solve the problem. Maybe on a long, sunny Saturday afternoon, after the children and adults frolicked outside, the families could have some Torah study. Or perhaps after an early Friday Shabbat meal, a family could host an Oneg in their backyard?

Best of luck with your own family's summer observances

"Family-Friendly Shavuot": The Question is Posed

We recently received an email seeking some advise about "family-friendly Shavuot".I share it with you with the hope that it might produce a discussion about the holiday and how it is observed as well as any particular events or activities you might suggest.

"......I would love to hear about family-friendly Shavuot. I think that unlike Sukkot, for example, where the family gathers in the Sukkah, Shavuot tends to bea bit dry. I think historically it was pretty much left out of most Hebrew school curriculums because it usually fell after school ended. I would assume the day schools make a bigger deal of it. I would love to hear how other families celebrate it andpass it on to their children. We all know, of course, to eat cheesecake!....."

We'd welcome your thoughts. We hope to trigger discussion here and gain some insight.

When It All Seems Like Too Much, Something to help keep it in perspective.....

Someone recently sent this along to us. We wanted to share it with you.

---------
By Anna Quindlen, Newsweek Columnist and Author

All my babies are gone now. I say this not in sorrow but in disbelief. I take great satisfaction in what I have today: three almost-adults, two taller than I am, one closing in fast.

Three people who read the same books I do and have learned not to be afraid of disagreeing with me in their opinion of them, who sometimes tell vulgar jokes that make me laugh until I choke and cry,who need razor blades and shower gel and privacy, who want to keep their doors closed more than I like. Who, miraculously, go to the bathroom, zip up their jackets and move food from plate to mouth all by themselves.

Like the trick soap I bought for the bathroom with rubber ducky atits center, the baby is buried deep within each, barely discernibleexcept through unreliable haze of the past. Everything in all the books I once poured over is finished for me now. Penelope Leach., T. Berry Brazelton., Dr. Spock.

The ones on sibling rivalry and sleeping through the night and early-childhoodeducation, all grown obsolete. Along with Goodnight Moon and Where theWild Things Are, they are battered, spotted, well used. But I suspect that if you flipped the pages dust would rise like memories.

What those books taught me, finally, and what the women on theplayground taught me, and the well-meaning relations --what theytaught me, was that they couldn't really teach me very much at all.

Raising children is presented at first as a true-false test, then becomes multiple choice, until finally, far along, you realize that itis an endless essay. No one knows anything. One child responds well topositive reinforcement, another can be managed only with a stern voice and a timeout. One child is toilet trained at 3, his sibling at 2.When my first child was born, parents were told to put baby to bed onhis belly so that he would not choke on his own spit-up.

By the time my last arrived, babies were put down on their backsbecause of research on sudden infant death syndrome. To a new parent this ever-shifting certainty is terrifying, and then soothing.Eventually you must learn to trust yourself. Eventually the researchwill follow. I remember 15 years ago poring over one of Dr. Brazelton'swonderful books on child development, in which he describes threedifferent sorts of infants: average, quiet, and active. I was lookingfor a sub-quiet codicil for an 18-month old who did not walk. Wasthere something wrong with his fat little legs? Was there somethingwrong with his tiny little mind? Was he developmentally delayed,physically challenged? Was I insane? Last year he went to China.Next year he goes to college. He can talk just fine. He can walk,too.

Every part of raising children is humbling, too. Believe me,mistakes were made. They have all been enshrined in the,"Remember-When-Mom-Did Hall of Fame." The outbursts, the tempertantrums, the bad language, mine, not theirs. The times the baby felloff the bed. The times I arrived late for preschool pickup. The nightmare sleepover. The horrible summer camp. The day when the youngest came barreling out of the classroom with a 98 on hergeography test, and I responded, "What did you get wrong?". (Sheinsisted I include that.) The time I ordered food at the McDonald'sdrive-through speaker and then drove away without picking it up fromthe window. (They all insisted I include that.) I did not allow themto watch the Simpsons for the first two seasons. What was I thinking?

But the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make while doing this. I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only inphotographs. There is one picture of the three of them, sitting in thegrass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages 6, 4 and 1.

And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night.

I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner,bath, book, bed.

I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.

Even today I'm not sure what worked and what didn't, what was me and what was simply life. When they were very small, I suppose I thought someday they would become who they were because of what I'd done. Now I suspect they simply grew into their true selves because they demanded in a thousand ways that I back off and let them be. The books said to be relaxed and I was often tense, matter-of-fact and I was sometimes over the top.

And look how it all turned out. I wound up with the three people I like best in the world who have done more than anyone to excavate my essential humanity. That's what the books never told me. I was bound and determined to learn from the experts. It just took me a while to figure out who the experts were.